Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

* Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

---

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

* Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

---

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.

* Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

---

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

* Mariah Carey, pop singer

---

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

* Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

---

The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."

* Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention

---

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.

* Former French President Charles de Gaulle

---

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.

* Mayor David Denkins answering allegations that he failed to pay his taxes.

---

The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.

* Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

---

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

* Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

---

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.

* Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

---

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

* Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

---

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the samereactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.

* Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22, 1998

"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."

* Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

---

Half this game is ninety percent mental.

* Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

---

They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.

* Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

---

It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

* Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

---

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.

* Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

---

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

* Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

---

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.

* Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

---

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

* Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

---

The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

* Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

---

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.

* Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

---

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.

* A congressional candidate in Texas

---

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.

* General Wm. Westmoreland

It only takes 7lbs of pressure to rip your ear off.

You use more calories eating celery than there are in the celery itself.

The Earth experiences 50,000 Earth quakes each year

Experts at Intel say that microprocessor speed will double every 18 months for at least 10 years

Airbags explode at 200mph

Points to ponder...

Bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I shopped.

The Best Comeback Line Ever

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency,and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said officer Taylor.

"I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson.

"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?''

He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?'"

A funny application at a Fast-Food Restaurant

NAME: Greg B

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was lousy.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
6. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
7. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
8. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
9. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
10. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
11. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
12. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
13. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
16. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over You
17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
18. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
19. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
20. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
22. Please Bypass this Heart
23. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
24. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
25. My Girl's a Moonshiner and She Makes Me Liquor.

The Finger

In the film, Titanic, the character Rose is shown giving "the finger" to Jack. Many people who have seen the film have questioned whether or not this gesture was used around the time of the Titabic disaster or was it a more recent gesture developed by some defiant seventh grader?. According to research, here's the true story.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore the Englishmen would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made from wood of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" or "pluck yew".

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major battle and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew. PLUCK YEW."

Over the years, some folk etymologies have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since "pluck yew" is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning gradually changed to a labiodental fricative "F", and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with the intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers in the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

---

A Funny X-Mas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat!

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook.

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude

Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,

That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,

Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built

Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,

A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite

And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa stupid, whoa Putz,

Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off you nuts.

Look out for lamp post, and don't hit the tree,

Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee!

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,

Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,

As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,

When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,

He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,

"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,

Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,

The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,

But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,

The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,

And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,

And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,

So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,

With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,

Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,

"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"