"No, You Can't Come Out of the Closet Today!"
"Bi-Curious George"
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer... Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mr. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

Hard Drive
Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

Keyboard
Place to hang your keys.

Window
Place in the truck you hang your guns.

Floppy
When you run out of Polygrip.

Modem
How you get rid of dandelions.

ROM
It is delicious when you mix it with coca cola

Byte
First word in a kiss-off phrase.

Reboot
What you do when the first pair gets covered with that there barnyard stuff.

Network
Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line.

Mouse
Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your soda bottle in order to get a free case.

LAN
To borrow as in "Hey Delbert! Lan me yore truck."

Cursor
What some guys do when they get mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

Bit
A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that wad of tobacky cross the porch longways."

Digital control
What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

Packet
Process of loadin all yore belongings in a Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

MATURITY

Women mature much faster than men.
Most 17-year old females can function as adults.

Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

HANDWRITING

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

RESTROOMS

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.

Women use restrooms as social lounges.

Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other.

Never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

SEX

Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY

Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every articleof clothing he owns, including his surgical pants, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.

Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

WEDDINGS

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony."

Men talk about "the bachelor party."

MENOPAUSE

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction--he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

THE TELEPHONE

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

RICHARD GERE

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men like Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

MADONNA

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

PLANTS

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.

The man waters the plants.

The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants.

No one knows why this happens.

CAMERAS

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.

Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

LOCKER ROOMS

In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker room--sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

GARAGES

Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers.

Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

MOVIES

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a sexy scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.

The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

TIME

When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

CONVERSATION

Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie."

"What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size." "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys," etc.

Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable:

"That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause.

"That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?"

"Yeah." Pause. And so on. Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.

Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"

LEWINSKI VIRUS: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about it.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS: quits after one byte

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, and then slowly expands to 200 MB

DR JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: deletes all old files

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: you can no longer insert disks into your computer

TITANIC VIRUS: your whole computer goes down

DISNEY VIRUS: everything in your computer goes goofy

PROZAC VIRUS: screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care

ARNOLD SCHWARZNEGGER VIRUS: terminates some files, leaves, but it'll be back

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy

VIAGRA VIRUS: turns your 3.5 inch floppy into a hard drive.

Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington DC

Dear John:

Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our Country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.

Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Bill Clinton

PS Ken Starr is screwing Jodie Foster.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Women admire silent men - - they think they are listening.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it !

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

Everyone has a photographic memory - - some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like - - - - night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The End, unless you can think up some more.

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burn Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in.", he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered second-degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

EDITOR'S NOTES: Top Ten Scariest Things About This Story

10: " I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..."

9: "So I peered in to the tube..." (I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun).

8: That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of a guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.

7: Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."

6: People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5: People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromanical, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter fluid before admitting the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took a cardboard tube ..."

4: "First and Second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3: People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white man who insert rodents up his butt."

2: What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1: This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I am getting a whole new image of the Osmond family.

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself".

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the car industry and stated: "If General Motors (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving 25 dollar cars that did 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, making a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case, you would have to re-install the engine.

4. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought more seats.

5. The oil, water temperature, alternator and low petrol warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

6. The airbag system would say " Are you sure?" before going off.

7. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio aerial.

8. New car buyers would also have to buy a deluxe set of road maps even though they did not need or want them.

9. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd press the start button to turn off the engine.

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a peptalk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy took off like a shot.
~WHAM~
He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.

Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake,
~WHAM~
He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen, he's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer...."