Doctor scratches his head: "I've never seen anything like it. Take these pills and come back in a week and see if there are any changes".

The guy comes back in a week, his dick is still orange.

Doctor: "Let's see if we can figure out what is causing this. Tell me about your life-style".

Man: "I'm single, live alone, just a normal type."

Doctor: "How do you spend your evenings?"

Man: "I like to watch porn videos and eat Cheetos. Why?"

Well, she immediately went down on my big Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that game her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff!" I said "Look you little Reece's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a LifeSaver! Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, "Oh CrackerJack, better than Three Musketeers!" as she rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when she started to grown Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped.......................................Baby Ruth!

1.You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2.You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3.Job interfering with your drinking.

4.Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5.Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

6.The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7.Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

8.24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

9.Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

10.You can focus better with one eye closed.

11.The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

12.You fall off the floor...

13.Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

14.Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

15.Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

16.At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

17.Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

18.You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

19.The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

20.You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

21.Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

22.Roseanne looks good.

23.Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

24.That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

25.Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

26.I'm as jober as a sudge.

27.The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

28.You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.... And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging Orgasm.

4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

... And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...

1. Repeat number 9.

2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home

3. You know what 4-H is

4. You ever went to "headlight parties"

5. You used to drag "main"

6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour

7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't

8. You ever went cow-tipping

9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties

10. You have parties at the same guy's house

11. Your best friend is a beer whore

12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events

13. The town social events are their children's

14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough they'd tell your parents anyhow)

15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them

16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut

17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade

18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming

19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of youself

20. No place sells gas on Sunday

21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10)

22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks

23. It was cool to date someone from Grant (neighboring town)

24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date

25. You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog

26. You had senior skip day

27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation

28. The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street

29. You have had sex with one of your teachers and you still didn't get an A

30. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs' Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track field)

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. " How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first,"says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if your sleeping. How about you, how did u die?

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement,but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.

The teachers asked Mary "What sound does a cat make?"

Mary said, "A cat says meow, meow."

Then the teacher asked Billy, "What sound does a cow make?"

Billy said, "A cow goes Mooo, Mooo."

Then the teacher asks Lil' Johnny, "What sound does a pig make?"

Johnny says, "A pig says FREEZE FUCKER!!"

1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.

2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.

5. Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.

6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.

7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

8. Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.

9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.

11. Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.

12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

14. Man with penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts.

15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand

As he set the gun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great US of A, they had so much money that they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot it with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun down on the bar, he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap, and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Then the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he set the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.

This woman goes and visits her gynecologist, and when she got into the room the doctor started doing this thing, doctor stuff, you know.

The doctor asks, "Do you know what I'm doing right now?"

The woman replies, "Yes, you are checking for any lumps and things like that."

The doctor says back, "Very good!"

Well, by now the doc is sick of this, so he drops his pants and then starts to DO his thing.

Then the doc asks, "Well, do you know what I'm doing now?"

The woman answers back, "Yes I do, your getting herpes, b/c that's why I came in.

It was the big wedding day, and when the groom was walking down the isle, he had this HUGE smile on his face.

When he reached the best man, the best man asks, "I know your happy and all, but what are you so excited about?"

The groom replies, "OH MAN!! It was so great, I just had the BEST oral sex in my life!!!!!!"

Then the bride comes down the isle, and she has a big grin on her face too.

When she reaches the bride's mate, the bride's mate asks, "What's up with you?? You have to be happy but you look so excited!!!!!!"

The bride replies, "Oh, I feel so good, I just gave the LAST oral sex in my life!!!!!"

Bobby comes home from school one day, and his Mom inquires, "How was school today?"

"Just fine, I guess", replied Bobby. "I had sex with my teacher today".

"What?!?" yelled his mom, shocked. "Get to your room! Just wait till your father gets home!!"

Bobby sulked to his room, unsure of how he was going to deal with Dad. Awhile later he heard Dad pull up in the driveway. Two seconds later Dad was at his door. "Why did your Mother have to send you to your room??", he bellowed. "What did you do?"

"I had sex with my teacher today", said Bobby, in a rather meek voice.

Dad, with very wide eyes, stepped into the room and quickly closed the door.

"Allright!" said Dad. "Gimme five!". They exchanged. "I tell ya, when I was your age I had sex with my teacher, too! Knockout redhead she was, I'll tell ya!" he spouted. "What legs! And tits out to here!"

Dad leaned in very close. "Tell ya what. To celebrate, lets go down to the bike shop and I'll get you any bike you want." Bobby, his spirits suddenly lifted, readily agreed. At the shop, Bobby had spotted his dream bike. "Can I have this one, Dad?" he asked.

"Of course!", replied Dad. "Anything for my little man! A chip off the old block!"

As they were leaving the store with the bike Bobby turned to his father and said, "Gee, Dad, thanks for the bike! Can we go home, now?"

"Don't you want to try your bike out in the parking lot?" said his dad.

"Not right now. My butt's still sore."

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up thier hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says "it's a zebra."

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Little Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard!"

The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final.

Apparently this particular Calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer. Since he was so busy gallivanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time they had left before their failure on the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of the room. This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in the class.

Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the test needing a decent grade to pass the class. His only problem with Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed, and this guy standing in the front of the room barking out how much time was left before the tests had to be handed in didn't help him at all. He figured he wanted to assure himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the professor said "pencils down and submit your scantron sheets and work to piles at the front of the room".

Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into forty ... almost an hour after the test was "officially over", our friend finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the room, strangely waiting for the student to complete his exam.

"What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the student stood in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked piles of exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of papers while he waited) It was clear that the professor had waited only to give the student a hard time.

"Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently. "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the professor gloated, "Your exam is an hour late. You've FAILED it and, consequently, I'll see you next term when you repeat my course."

The student smiled slyly and asked the professor "Do you know who I am?"

"What?" replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the student showed no sign of emotion.

The student rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name is?"

"NO", snarled the professor.

The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, "I didn't think so", as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his test neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his test in the middle, turned around, and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.

Red Riding Hood was on her way to her grandmothers place when she saw a Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have," said Red Riding Hood. The wolf runs away...

A little further down the track Red Riding Hood sees the wolf crouched behind a tree. "My what big ears you have," said Red Riding Hood. Again, the wolf runs away.

Little Red Riding Hood was getting a little suspicious by this time but continued on her way to grandma's. About 2 miles down the road she sees the wolf again, this time he is squatting behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have," said Red Riding Hood.

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M TRYING TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!"