Woman in a supermarket

Woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single are you?"

The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"

He replies, "Because you're fucking ugly."

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easier entrance.

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.

He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you nd he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinkin'? PERVERT I know what you were thinking!

In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.

In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.

They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.

So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,
"Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet & spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again & again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square & that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president & repeated the bet "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again & the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls & then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.

Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally,he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!". The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way is it headed?"

President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school one day and he sat in on a 4th grade class--they were in middle of discussing words and their meanings--

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word "tragedy". Our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of the word tragedy--

One little boy stands up and says "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the road and car came along and ran him over--that would be a tragedy.

"NO" says Clinton--that would be an accident.

a little girl raised her hand and said If a school bus carrying fifty school kids drove off a cliff, killing everyone--that would be a tragedy--

I'm afraid not explains the President--that would be a great loss.

The room goes dead silent--no one else volunteers-- the president searches the room over--is there anyone who can give me an example of a tragedy???

Finally, way in the back of the room--a small boy raises his hand and in a quiet little voice he says--"If Air Force One was carrying you and Mrs. Clinton and it was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy".

"Fantastic" exclaims Mr. Clinton, "that's right" and now can you tell me WHY this would be a tragedy?" "Well said the the little boy because it wouldn't be an accident and it certainly would be no great loss!!"

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodka."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back,

"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we're privates," protests Jasper.

"We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

"You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We're sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.

"Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to have sex with you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

"Jasper," he says, "why'd you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates."

He points to his stripes. "But, we're sergeants now!"

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.

He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,

"I'll take him and him and him."

Little Johnny's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Johnny seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

Cathy watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?"

She asked after folding the items Cathy had bought. As she fumbled for her wallet the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" The cashier asked.

"No," she replied.

"But my husband Rodney, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Dad, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No... how old?"

He says, "I'm fourteen!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Gandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says,

"You're fourteen."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went great, Jerry can't wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he can go to see it.

A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding. The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action.

Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music."

The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "That's okay, we're just here to see our dog."

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to the complaints from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will not be tolerated.

We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees.

With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list code phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas / information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive co-workers.

OLD PHRASE / NEW PHRASE

1) No fucking Way - I'm fairly sure that is not feasible

2) You're fucking joking - Really

3) Tell someone who gives a fuck - Have you run that by

4) No bastard told me - I was not involved with that project

5) I don't have the fucking time - Perhaps I can work late

6) Who fucking cares - Are you sure that is a problem

7) Eat shit and die - You don't say

8) Eat shit and die motherfucker - You don't say, Sir

9) Kiss my Arse - So you would like me to help you

10) He's a fucking prick - He is somewhat sensitive

11) She's a ball-busting bitch - She is an aggressive go-getter

12) You haven't a fucking clue - You could benefit from more training

13) This place is fucked - We are a little disorganised today

14) What sort of fucker are you - You are new here, aren't you ?

15) Fuck off shit head -Well, there you go

16) You are a fucking wanker - You are my supervisor and I respect you

17) Ha ! Suck eggs - I wasn't there that day

18) Fuck Off - I'll look into that and get back to you

Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests,"Let's strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred."

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests,"Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system."

The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work."

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you loose your car keys, click on find.

"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.

And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to YOU...

There was a guy in a bar one night who got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed, he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk so he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well, the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything, he punched her again. This time she fell down, and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. So then he stumbled over to her and said......

"Not very stong tonight are we Batman?"

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

"I should be in charge", said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".

"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".

"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him,so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.

Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story? You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge ... just an asshole.

A lady takes her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor calls her into his office and says, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, which, combined with stress, will kill him in a few months.

What you have to do is, each morning, fix him a nice breakfast, and be pleasant. Make him a nice lunch to take to work, and for dinner, make meals for him you know he'll enjoy. Don't give him too much to do around the house, especially after he's had a hard day. And don't burden him with too many of your problems, because that'll only increase his stress.

And most importantly, make love to him a couple of times a week, and try to give him oral sex once a month or so. If you can do this for the next ten months, I think your husband could regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband says, "What did the doctor say?" She says, "He said you're gonna die."

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his new electric train set. She heard the train stop and her son said "all you sons of bitches who are getting off-get the hell off now, and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on-get your asses on the train cause we're leaving right now." The mother went into the living room and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train but you must use nicer language."

Two hours later, Her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope that you will ride with us again. For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow all hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope that you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."