A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother. When the man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I don't have any money.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother!" To that the man asks, Anything?" And the blonde says, "yes.. Anything!" With that, the man says, "Follow me."

"He walks into the next room and tells her "Come in and close the door". She does. He then says,"Get on your knees"She does. He then says, take down my zipper". She does. He then says, "Go ahead...Take it out. "With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says "Well.. Go ahead." "She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, She says, "HELLO, MOM?"

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Happy Chanukah to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Berta and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending anymore money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Happy Chanukah,

Love, Mom

This traveler knocked on the door of a house that a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks, as the initiation fee, through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man did this, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened. He began to pound on the door again and the panel slid open.

"Hey," he exclaimed, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked thelawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'."

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

"The last time I worked in the South, I worked in Knoxville, Tennessee. It's about 1957 in Knoxville. I drove down, and I got lost...and I was driving around the outskirts of Knoxville, which is redundant..."

I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in the eighties. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store", and that was it. There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair...

I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"

He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' f*k."

I said, "What do you hunt?"

He said, "Somethin' to f*ck."

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash.

He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??"

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ...because he hated the book!"

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain.

Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted".

A blonde pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil.

After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant.

"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"

"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"

"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."

GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my ... um ... friend

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him,

"Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -

"Howard. You're a veterinarian."

Bob won a ticket to the Super Bowl. Approaching the stadium, he was extremely excited. Once he got inside, he couldn't find his seat.

Finally he asked an usher to help him find his seat. The usher guided him to the top row. Then the usher pointed and said seat 25. Bob settled in his seat, and noticed he was almost as far from the field as possible. He pulled out a pair of binoculars, and could still barely make out the numbers on the players. He then gazed around the audience. He suddenly stopped as he came to a open seat in the first row. Bob packed up, and headed to his destination.

Upon arriving he saw an old man, sitting by himself. Bob then asked "Is this seat open?"

"Sure, sit down, no one is sitting there."

Bob was excited "Who would be crazy enough not to use a seat like this?"

"I am." said the man. "My wife and I have come to every Super Bowl since 1968."

"Where is she now?"

"She's dead."

"I am so sorry to hear......wasn't there a really close friend, or family member you could have invited?"

"Nope, they're all at the funeral."

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all. Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day.

The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock. The guy drops his pants and starts. True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... But he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied:97.... 98..... 99.....and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.

The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says,

"I don't understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!"

A seaman meets a pirate in a port, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked, incredulously.

"Not exactly," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

Fireman: "Hey, little boy. What are you doing?"

Little boy: "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look.

Fireman: "Little boy, that sure is a nice fire truck!"

Little boy: "Thanks, mister." The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.

Fireman: "Little boy, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

Little boy: "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

A old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died Nurse Jones.

Realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died".

"It did" he replied; "today is the viewing"

The clerk showed the fellow the store's most expensive perfume. "This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk.

"It's $285 per ounce."

"Listen," the fellow shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps', I want something called,

'You Can Bet Your Happy ASS You'll Get Some!'"

Ed and Ted are standing side by side at urinals when Ed glances down and sees that Ted's prick is twisted like a corkscrew.

Ed says, "I've never seen one like that before."

Ted says, "Like what?"

Ed says, "All twisted, like a pig's tail."

Ted says, "What's yours like?"

Ed says, "Straight, like normal."

Ted says, "I thought mine was normal 'til I saw yours."

Ed finishes and starts shaking his prick.

Ted says, "What'd you do that for?"

Ed says, "I was shaking out the last few drops."

Ted says, "Fuck ... to think that all these years I've been wringing mine out."

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

And Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage".

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you".

Dad said, "Bring Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block".

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Susie?"

The little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home"