A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath" he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the world.

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls.

As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.

The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today."

A man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort.

The first few weeks weren`t too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.

The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife`s bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"

Husband: "Guess who?"

Wife: "I know who it is!"

Husband: "Guess what I want?"

Wife: "I know what you want!"

Husband: "Guess what I`m knockin` with?"

Everybody who has a dog names it "Rover or "Spot." I named mine SEX. Now, Sex has been very embarassing to me. When I went to renew his dog license I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too!" Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9." He said that I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and I, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him that I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But, you don't understand," I said, "I wanted to have Sex on TV." He called me a showoff.

When my wife and I divorced, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." He said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married Sex disappeared. He said, "I know."

Last night Sex ran off again! I spent hours looking for him. A cop came over to me and asked," What are you doing in the alley at 4 in the morning?" I told him I was looking for Sex.

The trial is Friday!

.....Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California . . . WAS HIS

.....Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills . . . Making the last car payment.

.....The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.

..... If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it.

....Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

... If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.

.....Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.

.....My son told his teacher the Indians could not possibly have served popcorn to the Pilgrims at the first Thanksgiving because they didn't have microwave ovens back then.

.....When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.

.....Is your holier side your altar ego?

.....I need someone to refresh my memory. How many cars are allowed through an intersection after the light turns red? Is it three or five?

.....What's dumber, expecting educators to be entertaining, or expecting entertainment to be educational?

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun.

All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"

The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away.

A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.

"Mr.", she says, "Have you ever been screwed?"

"No", he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."

Mongo's old lady decided she wanted to do something special to please him on his birthday, so she bought a pair of crotchless panties.

That night, as he came into the house, she lay sprawled on the couch spread-eagle. "Hi hon," she purred sexily. "Y'all want some of this?"

"Hell, no!" he hollered. "Look at what it's done to your undies!"

A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit.

The bear leans over to the bunny and says, "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur"?

The bunny says "No".

So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.

Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch.

The first hillbilly said, "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!"

The second hillbilly said, "My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin water!"

The third hillbilly said "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin there... and she ain't even got a dick!"

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.

The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream.

Suddenly the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.

The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran."

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.

Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

One day about a month ago, Bill Clinton was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge---a blonde , a brunette , and a redhead.

To the blonde he said , "I am the president of the united states. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"

The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars."

To the brunette he posed the same question , and she replied, "One hundred dollars."

He then asked the redhead the same question.

The redhead replied, "Mr. President , if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes.... Get my panties as low as my wages...get that thing of yours as hard as the times... Keep it high as the gas prices...keep me warmer than my apartment...and...screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President , it ain't gonna cost you a cent."